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Posts Tagged ‘Sarcastic’

Me and my school friend were waiting for someone at bus stop near my home. She was his college mate and I knew nothing about her except of the fact that she won Institutes’s Beauty contests all four years, organized under different functions. For someone like me from Engineering background, it was kind of hard to believe that other institutes organize beauty contests. Our college used to organize only non-beauty contests only.

So, I was kind of excited about meeting her, and my friend was obviously all “gaga” about her. “So, what are we supposed to do, after we meet her?” I asked, while looking at a lovely lady passing by us, with her ugly dog. It is sort of universal phenomenon all around the world that beautiful girls have ugly dogs- sometimes real, sometimes human. “We shall go and catch some movie, she is having a flight back to Bangalore tonight” He said, looking at the ugly dog and squeezing his nostrils in disgust. 
 
About fifteen minutes later, an Indica cab arrived at the bus stop and both of us stood up as if we were paying tribute to arrival of a queen. She stepped outside, I observed her foot which touched the ground before rest of her body would be visible, just like they show in Bollywood flicks for police officers. “Woodland shoe!”, I thought looking at her brown colored shoes, ‘What kind of a girl carry Woodland?”. She was definitely pretty, not “Katrina Kaif ” pretty but definitely “Justin Beiber” pretty. Decent height, a white Lacoste high collar Tee-Shirt, and a decent pair of blue jeans which I didn’t stare too much to identify the company, because of the place where they put the label on pants, not a decent place to stare after-all.
 
“Dude! Meet Mini”, my friend introduced us, and we had a formal handshake. From a girl’s standards, she definitely had huge hands and fingers. “Definitely not Mini !”, I thought.”So, what you guys want to do? You had lunch?” She asked. “Lets go and catch some movie. We can have lunch in the mall”, said my friend. So, we jumped into the cab she hired, and went to a nearest mall. “Where is your ladies purse?”, I asked Mini. “I don’t carry a ladies purse, I carry Dell laptop bag with me usually.”,she said. “You carry that bag everywhere? What about money and credit cards?” I asked, this time I was really interested in knowing her explanation.”I carry I small handwoven bag in my pocket, thats where I keep my money.”,she said and pulled out a small “Gypsy style”, multicolored fabric knitted bag from her pocket.”What about your make up kit and all other female accessories?”,asked my friend.”I carry that in my Laptop bag, she said, with a cold grim this time”. “But what if you have to go for a party?, You wouldn’t carry a laptop bag in a party then?”, I asked. My friend looked at me like he was saying “Dude, Enough!”.”I usually use my car to go, so I keep the bag in my car. “, she replied, and not in a polite manner.Though me and my friend were not convinced entirely, we chose to drop all the questions we had in our mind. She must have got this opinion that we majored in “How to harass someone politely.”, after this question-answer session. 
 
So, we reached the Cineplex in 20 min. I collected the tickets of a movie that I intended not to watch, but since she insisted that Akshay Kumar was her favorite, we thought we could do a favor to very beautiful girl, harassed by us just a few minutes ago. “Atleast this one has Katrina, she can watch Akki, we have Katrina.”, said my friend, making the ugliest face on earth. We had half an hour before the movie could start, so we went to a nearby cafe to get some small meal. 
 
“A Cold Coffee, please make sure that its not too sweet.” She ordered the waiter at the cafe. We stared at her with a little amazement. If you don’t like sugar, you don’t drink coffee, simple standard rule. “Lemon Soda, sweet and salt, and Veg sandwich”, I said. “Hold on! Make it double, I order the same”, said my friend.
 
After five minutes, our meal was tabled. “Start!”, my friend yelled in a dumped voice, and started staring at Mini. As the rules say, ladies should go first. Also, since our lemon soda were not tabled. She took a sip from the big cylindrical shaped transparent glass, in which the choco colored coffee looked very tempting. I cursed myself for not ordering that. She took another sip and looked up at the roof of the cafe. We followed her, and took a glance at roof, and failed to catch why we did so, or what she was staring at.Then she stood up and called the waiter. My friend moved his shoulders up and lips slightly down. I got what he was asking me, but I didn’t know the answer. 
 
“What is this? If I had to drink sugarcane juice, I would have bought it from outside at Rs 10 only, why would I come here?” She yelled at the waiter, and almost created a scene for the nearby 3-4 tables. My friend again moved his shoulders up and lips down. I thought, “Dude! Stop doing that.”. Well, the waiter also didn’t get what she was saying, so he asked, “Maaa’m ?”. “Why is this so sweet, I asked you not to make it too sweet, didn’t I?”,she said. “Yes ma’m, let me get you another one!”, he took that glass, and she sat down once again. She looked at us, and we knew she was the man and we were the ladies. “Calm down Mini”, said my friend. “Yes, I also need to calm down”, I said, while making a “Excuse me” gesture, and left for washroom.
 
When I came back, Mini and Mr.Sissy were discussing something of my interest.”Hello! You were definitely more beautiful than that girl. “, said my friend. “Nah! You are just saying this, don’t you!”, she was not asking, she rather looked quite convinced by his statement. “I am telling you, you were more beautiful, plus you got more marks than her, you got a better placement, you got a better boyfriend and you have me. Now tell me, aren’t you beautiful?”, asked my friend, and they both laughed. I tried to figure out if he really asked that question or just told her something. 
 
Meanwhile, the waiter came with a new glass of coffee, placed it on the table and left quietly. I looked and coffee and prayed to god, “God!Why coffee has to be choco colored?”. She took a sip while still in laughing phase. Suddenly the smile was gone, and her eyes went to grim look mode. I knew something had gone bad. My friend was also aware of that, because he suddenly stopped doing “Surrp-surrp” of his lemon soda. I looked at him and telepathically told him,”Dude! Lag gya kaam! (It happened again!)”. He telepathically replied,”Yes, lets eat our lunch before something happens”, while moving his eyes to sandwich and again looking at me.So, she stood up once again, and this time screamed at manager who was looking at her from his counter. 
 
“What is this? Why don’t you serve me the damn water now?”, she yelled. Manager came to our table running like Mario (from video games). Manager, too like waiter, asked, “Ma’m?”. “This doesn’t have sugar at all”, she yelled and continued,”First you serve me sugar syrup and now this?, why can’t you people serve a nice coffee, what is wrong?”. The manager looked at the waiter and telepathically conveyed him,”Tu toh gya aaj! (You are dead now!)”. Meanwhile, me and my friend were speeding up the processes of chewing the large sandwiches that we got. “Ma’m , let me get you another one”, said the manager. “Are you kidding me? How many times you have to do this to get it correct? Please get me the complaint book and email id of branch owner”, she said and looked at us. We took a glance at her, winked and got back to our bussiness-sandwiches. “Ma’m ! Please let me handle this at my own, this time it will be fine.”, requested the manager, with a voice as soft as child’s. “No, are you mentally harassing me? I am here to taste your experiments?”, she said, this time soberly. Accordingly we relaxed our jaws, and went a bit slower on sandwiches now.”Ma’m Please?”, urged manager, leaning a bit forward.
 
She took a minute and looked at the damn roof again. That minute, we also stopped chewing, as we were also eager to listen to the final judgment from her court of inquiry.”Okay, Don’t pour any sugar this time, and get me the sugar separately, will add as per my convenience. And also, I will not pay for this coffee now, for all the inconvenience I had to bear”, said Mini, as if she was really explaining some court judgment.”Okay ma’m, no issues.” 
 
Mini sat down smiling, looking at two of us ladies. We didn’t smile, as our mouth was full of weird stuff, sandwich and lime-soda.”Well people, I have got myself a free coffee!”, she said smiling. My friend swallowed the entire chunk in one go, while I looked at her, puzzled.”So, you deserve it!”, said my friend. “No-no, the coffee was perfect the first time only. I made up the entire scene to get my self a free cold coffee, it is just for fun.”, she said, with her lips making a perfect crescent. My friend looked at her as if his eyes got doubled the original size and as far as I was concerned, I felt like being kicked on my balls. My friend turned to me,and made a long eye contact with me, along with his weird open mouthed face. He turned to Mini, smiled, and said, “Aren’t you beautiful !”. And I knew, at once, he was not asking, but telling.
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10 PM: We were having the usual dinner at the hostel’s mess, and like every other day, we were abusing the chief cook “Maharaj” for the quality of food we were served. Rumors were that the dinner was so pathetic that even the leftover was not consumed by dogs in our hostel campus. However the credentials of the witness were matter of great suspicion as some of them even witnessed girls roaming around the boys hostel in late nights, which we never found.

10:30 PM: Just when I finished my dinner, and walked to the mess counter to abuse the coordinator, a fight broke out on the other side of mess. Maternal and sister references made me realize that this was a must watch show. So, I left the coordinator without abusing him, and went to the table where fight broke. The sudden rush of my adrenaline was neutralized by pathetic topic chosen as a reason for fight. Its the famous Sachin versus Dravid fight. “Look at the record book- Sachin is God” said the small guy. The counter argument was epic- “Would you worship a god sitting in temple without walls ? Dravid is the Wall”.

10:45 PM: After listening to arguments of both the sides, I decided to place my bet on Ganguly. So, they politely asked me to leave the discussion table,or otherwise they would wrap my dirty tongue around my throat and hang me in middle of mess.So, walked out, and marched towards to elevated stage in front of mess. People were roaming around the stage holding their mobile phones on their ears, and I swear to god that not even one of them was talking to his parents. The after dinner period is all about girlfriend conversation syndrome. Even my room mate used to do this, I have seen him sleeping with his mobile on his ear, and some weird voice penetrating out of speaker. I never asked him whose voice that was, I was fearful enough just by listening to her voice.

11:00 PM: Power cut ! This was not expected, we never used to have power cuts in nights. I heard some “F*** you” and WTF screams coming out from different dark corners of the hostel. These were probably the Counter Strike group guys, they just didn’t know what to do without CS. People have seen them eating grass, chasing birds and singing “Hips don’t lie” whenever there were power cuts or whenever there was some technical issue with institutes’s LAN.

11: 15 PM: Though this was summer, and hostel back up generator had some fault, most people chose to remain in their hot rooms without fans. It is also a fact these most people had girlfriends. Remaining like me came out , and went to elevated stage, the coolest area of the hostel. The stage was big enough to offer hip space to 50 people. People started forming small groups on the stage, and started discussing weird things like  ‘end of the World’, ‘Indian Mysticism’, ‘Which engineering branch is best’,’Which is the branch which sucks most’ etc. But what caught my immediate attention was the group discussing ‘ghosts’. “Perfect!” I thought. The power cut and a dark hostel with jungles around was perfect for the ghost discussion.

11:30 PM: After hearing a few scary and weird stories from the members of the group, one of my friend shot a challenge out of no where. “Lets go to East Campus, and see if the tower story is correct or not. Those who say no will be cowards” said Z (I am not disclosing actual names). Ours was one of the oldest institute of India, it was established by British Empire for research. There was one tower behind the big workshop building, which was  closed for students. So , stories floated around in campus about the credentials of the  tower. The most scary one said that the tower was used by British to hang the mentally challenged offenders of empire as they couldn’t be hanged with normal offenders. Story claimed that the spirit of those who were hanged still roam around that tower and thus it was closed for everyone. Z claimed that girls in girls hostel behind the tower had heard weird voices of someone crying, coming out of the tower premises. “Okay sisters! lets get some bicycles, we are going there, and those who have balls diameter less than normal- please refrain! “said K, K was the devil among us. He was the one who would have jumped out of plane if asked to do so for 500 rupees, such was the character of K. Now since the matter had reached to cowardliness and diameter of our balls, no one dared to say no for the adventure. 

11:45 PM: We managed to find the keys of five bicycles, none of them belonged to us, and we didn’t asked anyone for bicycles. So I guess, you can call it a small level theft out of some rooms, or without permission burrowing. Five bicycles and seven people, now came the difficult part. “D, please adjust R on you bike” I said. “I have fever, I can’t pull him, and I am 90 kg, so I guess he can’t pull me either. This bike will be only single only” said D. “Bloody fool ! If you have fever, why are you coming with us?” asked Z. “To show you diameter of my balls” exclaimed D. Since I asked the question, I was asked to pull R, out of courtesy to my own raised concern for R.

12:00 Midnight: After bribing the hostel guard with a pack of Marlboro, and pulling bicycles for 15 min, we reached in front of our final hurdle – the campus gate. The gate was just 50 meters away, straight road. Parallel to that road was a small jungle type area. It had a narrow lane going parallel to the road, but a bit inside the jungle. Even in daylight, rarely anyone dared to enter that area and walk on its lane. There was a small pond inside, and rumors were that the pond was bewitched. So, after seeing the jungle lane, the devil inside K was invoked. “Lets take the jungle lane !” asked K, the devil. “I am ready.” I said, and I don’t know why. May be it was my time to show the diameter of my balls. Strangely no one resisted, but neither did anyone agreed. So, we went inside the jungle on the narrow lane where two cycles couldn’t go parallel, it had to be one after other. Just after 1 min of biking, we reached on the side of that pond. The full moon was casting a horrible reflection on the algae covered pond. The surrounding trees we so silent as if they were attending some one’s funeral. “Don’t look at the pond, the witch will get you” said D, and laughed. I like every one else knew that it was a fake laugh, because we tried laughing too, but inside we were so damn scared. I can tell you no one dared to look towards the pond. We were just looking at the lane and pulling the damn bicycles which were suddenly too heavy. Suddenly A screamed. “WTF dude ! what happened ?” asked Z, with a trembling voice, as if after hearing to  scream he had pissed in his pants. Well, others were feeling no less scared. “I think I have seen some one chasing me !” said A, in a low amplified voice.We didn’t say anything, and continued to move ahead. One of the reason for not abusing A for this event was that A was in the  last of queue of cycles. We never knew what he saw.

12:15 AM: We were scared, and we knew that we have got ourselves into a very bad deal. Even the devil K had pissed in his pants. He was as silent as a fodder chewing buffalo could be. The bloody scream incident was too heavy on us, and our mind was only imagining about the thing that must have chased A. Anyways, we reached our destination. After pulling the bicycles at a speed of Mach 3, we reached in front of the tower in 15 min. The gate to enter the tower premises was closed, a standard Aligarh lock was hanging on the gate. The power cut was sort of pan-city phenomena because the east campus also didn’t have power. There was no light at all, except the full moon. The din white light of moon was reflecting from the glass entrance of tower, could be seen from a good distance also. “Now what, it is closed.” I asked, looking at Z. “Lets go, I am not hearing any crying here, its a rumor” said A, he clearly had crapped in his pants. K was attempting to get a look into the premises, by jumping adjacent to fenced boundary walls. D and R were attending nature’s call behind the bushes, grown out of adjoining workshop walls. The silence of the night was very scary , it was very unusual that there was no sound around us. 

12:20 AM: After wasting 5 min in attending nature’s call, we decided to leave the tower alone. We were sort of happy, and tired. So we marched towards the cycles, discussing about next day’s classes.Suddenly we heard a murmuring sound coming from behind the tower premises. “Must be D and R” said K, very casually. “Idiot! We are here. ” whispered D, and at that moment everything changed. We went to state of horror and this time more scared, as were continuously hearing the murmuring voice coming from behind the tower. We all looked at each other, and came to knew the actual diameters of each other’s balls. K collected himself and said- “Lets check who is that.”. “Are you mad !” Said Z, the man who challenged everyone else was the most scared. “Come on, we can’t leave this place without knowing what is wrong here.” said K. “Don’t be too brave at this moment, we might get restrictions if someone catches us here this time. This could be a prof. ” said D. “Prof..and murmuring in the midnight, at a place which is closed..idiot.” I said, and again don’t know why. “Lets go.” said K and started moving to the backside of the tower boundary. We followed him. Though we would abuse each other at silly occasions, but when it comes to dying, we couldn’t let anyone us die alone. So we followed K, and as we moved slowly towards the backside, the murmuring started to strengthen. Our hearts were also beating at the rate of Mach 3 , adjusting our body temperature to the occasion. We were scared, tired and perspired. As we reached at the backside of the tower, we saw a Banyan tree. Under the banyan tree, there was a man, sitting on the ground holding a smoking pot in one of his hands. “Holy Cow! Who is he?” K asked me. “How would I know.” I replied. As we moved a bit more closer to that man, we saw us, and stood up. He started running towards us, and at that moment, we all got frozen, because of the lack of blood supplied to out brains, as our hearts got fear struck. That was a pure moment of zero, we were thinking nothing, almost nothing. As the man reached near to K, we realised that he was actually a guard of the campus security, by looking at his Khaki dress. But strangly, in a month of summers, he was wearing long winter boots, and a jacket overall. But we were so happy seeing a man dressed like a guard that we didn’t care about his weird dressing sense. I saw the other 5 behind, and they were also relaxed now.

 K: “Guard Saab, what are you doing here, at this time?”  

Guard: “That is for me to ask you guys” .

Me :”There no power in the hostel, so we decided to have a ride in the campus”      

Guard: “Your hostel is 5 km away, why you want to have a ride here?”

D: “We were here to see the ghost of the tower.”

D couldn’t control his happiness of seeing a campus guard, and went off bursting our secret to adventure. 

Guard: “Bhaiyaji! who told you there is any ghost here?”

R: “Arre Guard Saab! We know. We know about the history of this tower.”

Then there was sudden pause in the environment. The guard started checking us out visually. He looked at all of us, from top to bottom , and we couldn’t understand anything. I read the name at his badge- A.K Bajpai. Z was looking around, where as K was looking at the banyan tree. 

“Aum..rim..dhim………namaho….namah ! ” The guard started murmuring, looking at the tower. “What is it Guard Saab?” I asked. “This is mantra for Pret-Badha. Aum..rim..dhim………namaho….namah” He started murmuring again. We couldn’t figure out why he was doing that. And suddenly out of nowhere, the  blast sound penetrated through the silent environment of the night. “Boooooooooooooooooooom!” And the next second the guard started running, towards the tower boundary, screaming “Aum..rim..dhim………namaho….namah”. He freaked us out, and now the devil K, got scared very badly,who was standing next to the guard. “Run, he is ghost, he ran into the tower.” screamed K, and started running like Bolt towards the cycles, opposite to guard. I curiously tried watching the guard, and he simply disappeared into the dark, behind the banyan tree. I pissed in my pants, and ran towards cycles. “Did you see, he disappeared.” I screamed, running last in the line. “Yes I saw that, we saw a ghost! ” said R, running two positions in front of me.

As we reached to our parked cycles, we picked them up, and tried moving the fresher’s hostel 1 km away. “Stop, my cycle is punctured.” screamed D. ‘Holy cow, it was your cycle’s blast voice, Come here and pull me now” K said. And then we saw the most amazing thing. D suffereing from fever who initially refused to pull R, a 56 kg dude, was now pulling the 75 kg K.

 1:00 AM: We reached at the gate of fresher’s hostel. the guard opened the gate and a few freshers roaming out saw us. They immediately ran to common room, leaving all their business, probably scared of a senior raid in mid of night. “Bring some water, guard Saab.” D asked guard while pointing towards the mess, and breathing heavily yet fast like Rajdhani Express. He brought some water, we all had some sips. “What happened sirs?” asked guard. “We went to tower, and saw this crazy guard there, bloody paranoid, mentally ill ,psycho guard. You know him, some Bajpai?” I asked, collecting my breath. “A.K Bajpai Sir?” asked the guard. “Yes.” I said. He made a tense face and widened  his eyes a bit. “Sirs, a guard named A.K Bajpai hanged himself in the tower 40 years ago. He must be wearing winter cloths when you guys saw him, because when he died, it was dead cold of December”. This was the final nail in the coffin. We were like, mentally dead for almost next 5 seconds. We came back to our hostel, we didn’t talk to each other while coming back. The silence of our mouths was better than the frightened calm in our hearts.

8:00 AM: I got up and picked my sleepers. I pretended as if I slept by yawning but the fact is I didn’t. My other room mate notices this fake yawning-“Sleep a bit more.”. I went to check what my other room mate was doing because he was in better position to understand me. K was reading Bhagwat Geeta. He saw me, and then started reading again. i also didn’t say anything to him. I went to washroom, and found A peeing in the adjacent pot.  The way he was peeing was reflecting his mental state. It was  ‘ Tip- tip- tip………………(pause)……..tip-tip-tp’ pattern. I didn’t say anything to him too. I came back to my room, looked at the sweets I brought from my home after Diwali. “Don’t eat, you haven’t brushed your teeth.” I thought. “Screw it ! i saw a ghost. I must eat this as I can die anytime now” I yelled inside myself. So, I took a piece and swallowed, I didn’t chew it a lot, as I found it suddenly was not  that sweet. Meanwhile Z came in our room along with R. They were smiling. “They must have gone crazy after last night” I thought. They went to K, i followed. “Dude, its not the time to read Geeta.” said R, mildly smiling. “Oh, then may be after my death, I will get a chance to read it.” grudged K.  “Humaara kat gya (we were fooled)”said Z, laughing this time. “Why?” I asked. “There is actually a guard named A.K Bajpai, I went to guards hostel to check this morning” said Z. “You found him?” asked K, this time there was a sudden happiness in his voice, and smile at face. “Yes , in fact, he was sleeping, but when I entered in his room, he woke up and recognized me from last night.” said Z. “Holy Cow!  that fresher’s hostel guard fooled us, bastard !” said K, though he was not really abusing, his was a tone of a cheerful man. “I asked Bajpai why he ran after the tyre blast, he said that he thought we were ghosts of the tower, because no one come there in the night” said Z. We all laughed. “Why did he wear a full winter cloth in mid of a summer night? ” I asked, curiosly. “Bajpai, has this habit of smoking weed, we also saw him holding a smoking pot last night, remember. He said that he went under that banyan tree to smoke  weed, so that no one could catch him. And when he takes a dope, he feels cold, so he wears winter cloths. Even all guards know that he does this weird thing, thats why that fresher hostel guard fooled us. And while coming back we saw a few pigs coming out from jungle lane where A saw someone chasing him last night. It must be those pigs only last night ” said a joyous Z. We all went ROFL, and at that moment, I guess we achieved a sort of mini Nirvana.

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