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Posts Tagged ‘Humor’

Haikus From Hell.

So, I have written my first set of Haikus, and asked my friend, who is pro in poetry, to review them. He said, “Only Demons could have written Haikus like this, these are from hell”. Hence I got the title of this post.

Why so serious? Source: underthegiantpenny.blogspot.com

Why so serious?
Source: underthegiantpenny.blogspot.com

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Winter winds are soft,
No geyser in my bathroom,
Cold, Cough and Fever.

***********************************************************************************************************************
Girl looked at me,
In awe, I opened my mouth,
Lollipop fell off.

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Kids making paintings,
Vivid colors and creative.
Grand papa is blind.

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Is exam over ?
Agony, apathy and hardship.
I have to pee now.

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Great were those players,
Ganguly, Dravid, Sachin.
Kicked out of team.

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Hrithik, Amir, Irfan
Deepika ,Vidhya, Jolie
Jhony lever best.

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Dad came in the room,
Books, Books and books here and there,
Me watching movie.

****************************************************************************************************************************
Mom in the kitchen,
Chicken, chapati and kheer,
I have loose motions.

*****************************************************************************************************************************
Haikus are so tough,
Imagination required.
Hippopotamus!

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Me and my school friend were waiting for someone at bus stop near my home. She was his college mate and I knew nothing about her except of the fact that she won Institutes’s Beauty contests all four years, organized under different functions. For someone like me from Engineering background, it was kind of hard to believe that other institutes organize beauty contests. Our college used to organize only non-beauty contests only.

So, I was kind of excited about meeting her, and my friend was obviously all “gaga” about her. “So, what are we supposed to do, after we meet her?” I asked, while looking at a lovely lady passing by us, with her ugly dog. It is sort of universal phenomenon all around the world that beautiful girls have ugly dogs- sometimes real, sometimes human. “We shall go and catch some movie, she is having a flight back to Bangalore tonight” He said, looking at the ugly dog and squeezing his nostrils in disgust. 
 
About fifteen minutes later, an Indica cab arrived at the bus stop and both of us stood up as if we were paying tribute to arrival of a queen. She stepped outside, I observed her foot which touched the ground before rest of her body would be visible, just like they show in Bollywood flicks for police officers. “Woodland shoe!”, I thought looking at her brown colored shoes, ‘What kind of a girl carry Woodland?”. She was definitely pretty, not “Katrina Kaif ” pretty but definitely “Justin Beiber” pretty. Decent height, a white Lacoste high collar Tee-Shirt, and a decent pair of blue jeans which I didn’t stare too much to identify the company, because of the place where they put the label on pants, not a decent place to stare after-all.
 
“Dude! Meet Mini”, my friend introduced us, and we had a formal handshake. From a girl’s standards, she definitely had huge hands and fingers. “Definitely not Mini !”, I thought.”So, what you guys want to do? You had lunch?” She asked. “Lets go and catch some movie. We can have lunch in the mall”, said my friend. So, we jumped into the cab she hired, and went to a nearest mall. “Where is your ladies purse?”, I asked Mini. “I don’t carry a ladies purse, I carry Dell laptop bag with me usually.”,she said. “You carry that bag everywhere? What about money and credit cards?” I asked, this time I was really interested in knowing her explanation.”I carry I small handwoven bag in my pocket, thats where I keep my money.”,she said and pulled out a small “Gypsy style”, multicolored fabric knitted bag from her pocket.”What about your make up kit and all other female accessories?”,asked my friend.”I carry that in my Laptop bag, she said, with a cold grim this time”. “But what if you have to go for a party?, You wouldn’t carry a laptop bag in a party then?”, I asked. My friend looked at me like he was saying “Dude, Enough!”.”I usually use my car to go, so I keep the bag in my car. “, she replied, and not in a polite manner.Though me and my friend were not convinced entirely, we chose to drop all the questions we had in our mind. She must have got this opinion that we majored in “How to harass someone politely.”, after this question-answer session. 
 
So, we reached the Cineplex in 20 min. I collected the tickets of a movie that I intended not to watch, but since she insisted that Akshay Kumar was her favorite, we thought we could do a favor to very beautiful girl, harassed by us just a few minutes ago. “Atleast this one has Katrina, she can watch Akki, we have Katrina.”, said my friend, making the ugliest face on earth. We had half an hour before the movie could start, so we went to a nearby cafe to get some small meal. 
 
“A Cold Coffee, please make sure that its not too sweet.” She ordered the waiter at the cafe. We stared at her with a little amazement. If you don’t like sugar, you don’t drink coffee, simple standard rule. “Lemon Soda, sweet and salt, and Veg sandwich”, I said. “Hold on! Make it double, I order the same”, said my friend.
 
After five minutes, our meal was tabled. “Start!”, my friend yelled in a dumped voice, and started staring at Mini. As the rules say, ladies should go first. Also, since our lemon soda were not tabled. She took a sip from the big cylindrical shaped transparent glass, in which the choco colored coffee looked very tempting. I cursed myself for not ordering that. She took another sip and looked up at the roof of the cafe. We followed her, and took a glance at roof, and failed to catch why we did so, or what she was staring at.Then she stood up and called the waiter. My friend moved his shoulders up and lips slightly down. I got what he was asking me, but I didn’t know the answer. 
 
“What is this? If I had to drink sugarcane juice, I would have bought it from outside at Rs 10 only, why would I come here?” She yelled at the waiter, and almost created a scene for the nearby 3-4 tables. My friend again moved his shoulders up and lips down. I thought, “Dude! Stop doing that.”. Well, the waiter also didn’t get what she was saying, so he asked, “Maaa’m ?”. “Why is this so sweet, I asked you not to make it too sweet, didn’t I?”,she said. “Yes ma’m, let me get you another one!”, he took that glass, and she sat down once again. She looked at us, and we knew she was the man and we were the ladies. “Calm down Mini”, said my friend. “Yes, I also need to calm down”, I said, while making a “Excuse me” gesture, and left for washroom.
 
When I came back, Mini and Mr.Sissy were discussing something of my interest.”Hello! You were definitely more beautiful than that girl. “, said my friend. “Nah! You are just saying this, don’t you!”, she was not asking, she rather looked quite convinced by his statement. “I am telling you, you were more beautiful, plus you got more marks than her, you got a better placement, you got a better boyfriend and you have me. Now tell me, aren’t you beautiful?”, asked my friend, and they both laughed. I tried to figure out if he really asked that question or just told her something. 
 
Meanwhile, the waiter came with a new glass of coffee, placed it on the table and left quietly. I looked and coffee and prayed to god, “God!Why coffee has to be choco colored?”. She took a sip while still in laughing phase. Suddenly the smile was gone, and her eyes went to grim look mode. I knew something had gone bad. My friend was also aware of that, because he suddenly stopped doing “Surrp-surrp” of his lemon soda. I looked at him and telepathically told him,”Dude! Lag gya kaam! (It happened again!)”. He telepathically replied,”Yes, lets eat our lunch before something happens”, while moving his eyes to sandwich and again looking at me.So, she stood up once again, and this time screamed at manager who was looking at her from his counter. 
 
“What is this? Why don’t you serve me the damn water now?”, she yelled. Manager came to our table running like Mario (from video games). Manager, too like waiter, asked, “Ma’m?”. “This doesn’t have sugar at all”, she yelled and continued,”First you serve me sugar syrup and now this?, why can’t you people serve a nice coffee, what is wrong?”. The manager looked at the waiter and telepathically conveyed him,”Tu toh gya aaj! (You are dead now!)”. Meanwhile, me and my friend were speeding up the processes of chewing the large sandwiches that we got. “Ma’m , let me get you another one”, said the manager. “Are you kidding me? How many times you have to do this to get it correct? Please get me the complaint book and email id of branch owner”, she said and looked at us. We took a glance at her, winked and got back to our bussiness-sandwiches. “Ma’m ! Please let me handle this at my own, this time it will be fine.”, requested the manager, with a voice as soft as child’s. “No, are you mentally harassing me? I am here to taste your experiments?”, she said, this time soberly. Accordingly we relaxed our jaws, and went a bit slower on sandwiches now.”Ma’m Please?”, urged manager, leaning a bit forward.
 
She took a minute and looked at the damn roof again. That minute, we also stopped chewing, as we were also eager to listen to the final judgment from her court of inquiry.”Okay, Don’t pour any sugar this time, and get me the sugar separately, will add as per my convenience. And also, I will not pay for this coffee now, for all the inconvenience I had to bear”, said Mini, as if she was really explaining some court judgment.”Okay ma’m, no issues.” 
 
Mini sat down smiling, looking at two of us ladies. We didn’t smile, as our mouth was full of weird stuff, sandwich and lime-soda.”Well people, I have got myself a free coffee!”, she said smiling. My friend swallowed the entire chunk in one go, while I looked at her, puzzled.”So, you deserve it!”, said my friend. “No-no, the coffee was perfect the first time only. I made up the entire scene to get my self a free cold coffee, it is just for fun.”, she said, with her lips making a perfect crescent. My friend looked at her as if his eyes got doubled the original size and as far as I was concerned, I felt like being kicked on my balls. My friend turned to me,and made a long eye contact with me, along with his weird open mouthed face. He turned to Mini, smiled, and said, “Aren’t you beautiful !”. And I knew, at once, he was not asking, but telling.

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My Liebster Award.

the-liebster-award

I woke up at 11:oo a.m in the morning, switched on my system to check my mails, and got a mail from WordPress saying -“Sarosena has commented on your post !”. I was surprised. So, I went to my blog to check what did she comment.
 
“…….Have nominated yourself for a Liebster award……..” said the comment.
 
“Holy Cow !”, I thought, with a lot of amazement. I went to check her blog post where she nominated me, and to my utter amazement, she mentioned my blog in the list of ‘deserving blogs’.
 
I:”When was the last time someone called you deserving?”
Me: “When you were caught bunking your Corporate training’s morning sessions and expelled out of the class by Unix instructor. Your batch owner said- ‘You deserve it’, remember! “
Myself: “Why she thought I was deserving?”
 
So, I researched a little bit, and found following info-
  •  Liebster means you love some fellow blogger’s work and want to appreciate it by this gesture.
  • You have to post 11 things about yourself, after you get the nominations.
  • You have to answer 11 questions, asked by the blogger who nominated you.
  • You have to nominate 11 other bloggers having less than 200 followers, like you were nominated.
  • Notify your nominations candidates by commenting on their blogs.
  • Post Liebster’s pic on your post as a gesture of acceptance.
“Wait a sec! how many followers you have?”, I interrogated myself, and went on to check my blog stats.
 
Total : 268
Blog Followers: 10
Facebook: 258 (Your  FB friends who never visit your blog)
 
“Holy Cow!, do you deserve this award? You have 268 total followers?”, I was saddened, but suddenly my eyes caught my ‘Visiter’s wall of fame’ at right side of my blog. Only 20 something profiles were present there. These were the people who visited my blog and commented/liked/followed. Then I went on to check my settings- “Publicize, by wordpress- Connect your FB with your blog .”
 
“Oh Come On! They connected my FB page with my wordpress, and all my FB friends are my followers, no matter if they visit my blog or not. But in actual I have 10 blog followers only. So,  should I accept this award? …(pause)……Ah! Screw it! I am accepting it.” I grudged. “I swear to Lucifer, if I had missed this award because of this Publicize feature of WordPress, I would have sued WP for that.”
So, Thanks a lot to Saro, for ignoring my blog followers’ stats, and nominating me. You did a right thing, in disguise- Saro.Anyways its switched off now, if you want to know my followers, see my ‘Visiter’s Wall of Fame’.
 
Now the next part-
11 things about me, okay! I will not bore you guys by telling usual info, but things that are weird.
  1. I still love watching cartoons, because that where I think I belong to. My favorite-  Oggy and the Cockroaches- in Hindi, with all those SRK, Sunny Deol and Arshad Warsi mimicry.
  2. I hate astrology, palmistry, Tarrots etc. I find it utterly stupid and illogical.
  3. I can’t drink milk without Bournvita. (Don’t judge me, not even Horlicks, or Boost are acceptable to me, only B’vita.)
  4. I can’t eat egg, but I am fond of chicken and all sea food.
  5. I can bowl (cricket) by both hands. Same goes for the batting. No wonder, I never got selected in Indian Team.
  6. I can’t understand modern art. And latest ,I have found out that I can’t understand Haikus too. (Courtesy: Gus)
  7. The average no of days after which I take bath in winters is 3.
  8. I always wanted to be a scriptwriter, used to write plays in college and school. Thanks to god- He gave me Javascript.
  9. I can’t play good chess, even if I try. But I am pro in Ludo and Snake- ladders.
  10. I always forget the color of my underwear. It always gives me a shock when I see what color I am wearing, when I go for bath.
  11. I am a completely political person- sometimes socialist, communist , sometimes capitalist,imperialist and sometimes Gandhi.
 
Next, 11 answers  to Saro’s questions-
 
1.If there is one person that you are ok with killing or getting killed, who would that be?  – The guy who made the daily soap – “Bade acche lagte hain.”. He made my life miserable.
 
 2. If you were given the option of naming a star, what would you name it?- Gandhi, he couldn’t win a Nobel peace prize (I don’t know why?), but surely deserves a star after his name.

3. What is the purpose of your blog?- To puke out what my mind eats from his surroundings.
 
 4. What do you really dislike about other people’s blogs?- Really dislike that they are not as cool as facebook.
 
 5. When you saw this for the first time did the idea remind you of chain letters?- No, I thought it was genuine, but now I am thinking in this direction. Thanx for killing the mood, by asking this question. 🙂
 
6. Who’s the hotest male/female that you know- like know?- Hotest male : Me, dressed in Corporate Tuxedo, Hottest Female: Me, dressed in sari for fancy dress competitions.
 
 7. If you were given the option of publishing your blog in a book, e-book or otherwise, but not anonymously, would you?- As long as they give me money and royalty, i don’t mind any means of publication.
 
8. As a blogger, what do you think about the freedom of speech?- Freedom of speech to bloggers is what Chuck Norris is to Humor. 
 
 9. What’s more important- earning money or spending it?- Earning if your friends are earning and giving you parties every weekends and spending when your little brothers and sisters spend your own money.
 
10. If there was one lie that you wish your mother had told you, what would it be?- That I was not born stupid, but became so later in my life.
 
 11. Does art imitate life or life imitate art?: If art imitates life, its crap. Art means creativity, means it should be something that doesn’t exist in real, and hence has the capacity to inspire people’s life to do something new. Thats how we move ahead in life.
 
11 People I am nominating are-
  1.  Desi babu
  2. Gus
  3. Manisha
  4. McKnight
  5. P.Subbu’s Blog
  6. UnknownShri
  7. Grumpy Giraffe
  8. contested realities
  9. teenagebabblingbyphoenix
  10. Agony Dude
  11. Feeding a soul
You guys need to answer these 11 questions from my side:
  1.  What would you do if there wouldn’t be any water on earth?
  2. What is one thing that makes you sick, but you still do it?
  3. What if your blog gets a ‘Simply Stupid!’ award?
  4. What is the most amazing abuse anyone has ever given you?
  5. What is your idea of world after 100 years?
  6. What will happen if you become the President of your country for rest of your life?
  7. What was the most embarrassing situation you ever faced?
  8. What will  happen if one day God tells you that you are Devil on earth?
  9.  Who was your first crush or infatuation?
  10. What will you say if one day Obama visits your home and tells you- “Kid! We need you. Now pull your pants up and pack your bags” ?.
  11. If you were asked to slap one person, who would that be?
ALL THE BEST TO ALL NOMINEES. 
 

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Weird Things We Do @ FB

TO ENLARGE, CLICK ON THE IMAGES (Please don’t  download images at local m/c without permission, or u could get sued !)pic4 pic5 pic6Pic2PIC1pic12 pic3 Pic32

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images

THE GOOD

Lesson 1: Love  is a Contagious Disease & The Mathematics Exam

The night before the mathematics exam, second year engineering, was dreadful. The entire boys’ hostel was silent and calm and the entire girls’ hostel turned into crematorium. Boys were scared because they didn’t attend the classes, and it was impossible at the last moment to compile the entire syllabus. Whereas girls were scared because they attended all the classes , and had a compiled syllabus, but were not able to understand math (primary condition of being a girl). All the Gaussian surfaces and Laplace theorems were enough heavy on boys, and most of them skipped the dinner. I was roaming outside the room, holding a yellow cover book in my hand, and was turning the pages without looking at the content. This is what most of boys were doing – checking the length of book,  and judging what to study, so that they could get a minimum score of 33 out of 100 for passing Nirvana. But as they say, in a tough time, the character of men is best judged, I got to see the same.

Tiger (nickname) was lying flat in his room when I entered. “How much remaining?” I asked rhetorically. “Completely done” He answered foolishly. The pet hostel dog (nickname- Kutta) was sitting beside the chair in front of his bed. Kutta was silent, may be he judged our anxiety. “Knock Knock !” someone was there at the door of room, and me and Tiger both were amazed, as boys would hardy knock the door before going in. Chaddhi (nickname) came in, and quite appropriately dressed according to his nickname- was only wearing a V shaped underwear, of known brand. Kutta was elated seeing Chaddhi , as if he had seen the god of dogs, and went running towards him. Chaddhi bowed down a little and hugged Kutta, and uttered some nonsense dog lingo- “Alle..alllellee….Kuchiii..Poochiii !”. Seems like those words were enough for Kutta to triger him for licking Chaddhi, all over his face. “What the Hell! ” Tiger said, his face in disgusted mode. “What do you want Chaddhi?” asked Tiger, not looking at him, but me. “I want the maths book for 1 hour” said Chaddhi, very confidently. I got scared by the audacity of Chaddhi’s thoughts, he didn’t even buy a maths book, he bet on borrowing the one just one night before exam, that though for one hour only.

“Why should I give you this book?..I have to read it myself, plus you lost my electrical engineering book. Get lost, I hate you!” said tiger, roaring like a tiger, nick name proved justified. Chaddhi looked contented and not a single line of sorrow or anger surfaced over his clean shaved face. Kutta was licking his face for almost 25 seconds now. Chaddhi looked at Kutta, and smiled. Then he stood up , went to Tiger and said while pointing his finger towards Kutta-“Humse toh Janwar bhi pyaar karte hain, toh tum kaise bachoge !” (“Even the animals love me, how would you escape from loving me ?”). Tiger and I looked at Chaddhi with no words, but only a silent respect. Tiger’s anger was gone, so he gave him his book and asked him to return in exactly one hour.

Three weeks later results came, Chaddhi passed the exam , I got graced out and Tiger failed. And by the way , Chaddhi was actually the math wizard, he always scored highest, with minimum study. But we didn’t learn math from him, we learned how contagious love is, transmitting from a dog to human, so fast.

THE BAD

Lesson 2: Revenge is a Wine, tastes best when gets Old & The Industrial Engineering Exam.

The professor was pathetic and the subject was a Goliath. The only hope to pass the subject was to secure the notes of those who attended classes, all of them and made self notes from books. The books were so lengthy, that one could have burn them to heat up the room for an entire night. And those who had notes, we gods of the moment. They were offered different gifts like Marlboro, Hayward’s Black, Newly downloaded Movies, Fiction books, Sweets, free Bike ride to Main Building for next 2 months and the most disgusting- Help in getting a girlfriend.

I went to Dragon (nickname) and asked him about his notes. He was very laborious and always attended the classes, even if the Prof wouldn’t come. But only a few knew that me used to make notes after every class. I knew because he was my room partner for that year. “Come on! Give me the notes’ I ordered him, as if they were my property. “Take these and get them photocopied” he said, in an equally harsh voice. “I wouldn’t go out now,  we will read one by one. You study Unit 1 and I will read Unit 2, then you read 3 and  I will read 4…. and so on” I proposed, as I was lethargic at that time, to go out 2 km outside the campus, and get the notes photocopied. And you never know, you would catch some hooligans outside the campus, who wouldn’t leave you alone until you have Maggi and Tea (Chai) with them.”Hm….Okay. Take Unit 2, and shut up for another 2 hours”said Dragon.

“May I come in..!” said Chacha (Nickname), though he was already inside the room and standing just 1 meter away from Dragon.”No you can’t !” said Dragon and then they both laughed. But I got a feeling that this was not the laugh from stomach but rather from dented mouths. “Dragon! Give me your notes” asked Chacha. “Okay, but they are useless” said Dragon, in an extra calm and sober style. “Why?” asked Chacha, amazement on his face. “Prof has disclosed the set of questions he will ask in exams, he told that in last class that you missed.” said Dragon, again fake calmness on his face. Chacha and I got a bit struck there, but I chose to remain silent, but Chacha went on to say-“Where is the set?”. Dragon pulled a 20 pages sheet, stapled on the top, and gave it to Chacha- “Take this, its a 60 questions set, he will ask all the questions from this set only “. My eyes got widened to touch the ceiling and jaws dropped to floor. “Thanks bhai! i will get then photocopied and give back original in another one or two hours” Chacha said. “I am in no hurry my friend, take your time. I already have prepared them” said Dragon, and Chacha left the room.

“Bastard! Why did you not tell me that Prof gave a question set” I said, with red eyes. “Because he didn’t” said Dragon, hesitatingly.He looked at me, and judges that if not told the entire thing clearly, I was going to rip him apart. So he followed “Chacha didn’t give me pen, when my pen went point broken in mid of an exam, last year. Not only this, he went to examiner, and said I was disturbing him. So, the examiner took my answer sheet, and asked me to leave. That son of a gun, cost me 30 odd marks and my percentage fell down. It was only by god’s grace, that I still passed the exam” said Dragon, and took his water bottle from table, and sipped water, as if he told me entire Mahabharata. He again started -“So, I gave him fake question set, lengthy enough to keep him busy for entire night, so he wouldn’t study the real material” said Dragon. “And how do you know, that question from that question set will not come in paper?” I asked, like James Bond, as if I have got a bust in Villain’s plan. “Because those were questions of Unit tests, and Prof said in last class that no question from Unit test will be repeated.” Said Dragaon, with a Heath Ledger’s Joker smile on his face. “Holy Cow! ” only words came out of my traumatized mouth. And I know what Dragon must have thought in his mind- “Notes nahi denge saale ko, Keh ke Lenge uski! “.

After 3 weeks, Dragon passed, I passed and Chacha failed.

THE UGLY

Lesson 3: In times of emergency the Devil eats Flies & The Machine Design Exam

Last semester of second year, last paper of the examination. People were joyous about going home for one month vacation after this paper. And most have already forgotten about the sword hanging on their mark sheets by the way they performed in the examinations. The city model shop had started getting reservation calls for the eve of last exam. But for my branch, the paper of machine design  was the scariest  for two reasons- I: We didn’t know what machines meant, and II: We didn’t know what design meant. So the boys flooded the seniors hostel and asked the topper senior to help out in the times of emergency. He gave us just that- a miraculous help, the answers to last year papers. Bingo! That is what was needed.  It was already 9 ,so we rushed to photocopiers and get them photocopied for boys, before the shops close. Unfortunately the girls didn’t know we got the elixir of life.

At 10:30, someone broke the news to girls about the answers’ copies we got from seniors. I guess, it must be some “My girlfriend is the Best” guy. But the time has gone for them, as girls couldn’t get the material photocopied when the shops were closed this late in the night, and also if the shops were open, the girls were not allowed to go out of campus after 10. “Hehhahahahaehehaha”- So boys did  Demon’s laugh. 

‘Tring! Tring!’ the mobile of Dedh (means 1 and a half in hindi, because of his height, he was nick named this) got a ring. This was the call from the most beautiful girl of the class, to a guy who went unnoticed even by boys. “Can you get me the material please, I need it. I haven’t studied anything…..Bhuu…..(weeping)” said the girl, weeping in between. Dedh was excited to get the call from the hottest of the campus girls, and didn’t give a damn about anything else in the world.”But I haven’t studied it yet!” said Dedh. “You have got 45/50 in internals, you can anyways clear the exam, I got only 15..Bhoo..bhuuu.. (weeping)” said Girl.”I got 45?” Dedh jumped in joy. “Yes, I have seen it in his manual when i went to Prof for guidance this afternoon” said girl, innocently.”Okay , i will get you the material, but please return me after 3 hours, will you?” asked Dedh, while trying hard to contain his joy. “Okay, I will give it back by then.” said the girl, and Dedh burrowed a bike from some one and left for girls hostel. When he came back, he was so elated, and explained how beautiful the girl was looking in boxer shorts, when she came at the hostel gate to get the material. She even did a handshake with Dedh, which made him neurotic. 

After 3 hours- Dedh tried calling the girl to get the material back- phone switch off. Her room mates’ mobile- switched off. Dedh didn’t get the material back, and burrowed from boys only, who would lend him material for only 1 hour or so.

After 3 Weeks- Girl passed, I passed, Dedh Failed. Girl’s internal: 40/50, Dedh’s internal: 29/50.

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